THOUGHTS & SHARES
nothing lasts
The bend of arm has never been like this, nor her face. Not your hands holding infinity in the palm, not these language letters making some kind of connected sense in their own kind of never before. Never particular burdens and wishes and desires held in brain or coming from elsewhere. Not you, not me, not us, not them, not any of it ever again, or since.
Ashley Thalman on Tent Talks Podcast
Do I miss it? Of course I miss it.
Thoughts on exile and the things we outgrew by Alex Caldiero. Clipped edit from, “The Sonosopher” by Torben Bernhard and Travis Low. Watch it on YouTube if it resonates.
A poets answer to “Do you miss the fellowship of Mormonism?” Any past things outgrown or excommunicated from by choice or force can take the place of the specifics here and the pain of your loss is justified.
Lidia's Thrust
“Thrust”
Lidia Miles drowned the pages in a tidal wave of body, art, animal, element, futurepast, sex, friendship, and time, my my my my, my. 🌊
August Garden- In the Face of Fuck
I’m v into flash at night in the garden right now. I’d like to invite everyone out in the garden to see- that’s part of my nature. I like to hold microphones up to the thrills and pains in life.
I am so lucky! I know and meet the most interesting people, I feel loved by them, I feel safe to share.
What a thing to feel!
What fortune!
In these most recent years I’ve become a kind of a devotee to “how it feels”, more than “how it looks” or “what I should do”. When I engage should and look, I find it useful to notice which aspects of me are in the drivers seat and where it takes me.
Some of my experience in this process has been unorthodox and strange and I’ve been very worried at times I would hurt people by not being what I thought I was, or what I wanted you to think I was. It’s embarrassing to be a person! So cringy to change! Heavy is the head that crowns itself in hyper-vigilance.
When I look through a technical (stay safe) or pathological (you’re not good enough, yet) lens I am not aware of this other “feel” thing. Feel is a different vibe, so now I am practicing feeling, which is goodhard.
A few weeks ago I was processing a core memory of being hit as a child and you know what I remember most? I most remember feeling in absolute awe that after the first punch you don’t feel it anymore.
What skill!
What a perfect mechanism!
And I was right. On one side of the coin our nervous system does something protective and evolved, but this dissociative state of not-feeling as a way of life got real deep on lack and deep on numb as it worked its programming for the last 40 years.
Learning to paint has taught me that I’ve done technique (stay safe) long enough to be burned out so now I am raising the energy of expression (I am safe, I feel safe). Sometimes “feel” is good looking and smooth but often it ain’t. But then again what the fuck is “good”?
The things about us, the ways we are and were brave in what @lidiamiles calls, “the face of fuck” may be called wounds, but wounds can also be voids, voids can be filled with whatever we put there to be amplified and materialized as our lens and life.
William Black, Staying Awake
“Now I a fourfold vision see
And a fourfold vision is given to me
Tis fourfold in my supreme delight
And three fold in soft Beulahs night
And twofold Always. May God us keep
From Single vision & Newtons sleep”
– William Blake
stein, god, there there
God, in the form of Gertrude Stein, said “There is no there there.” What a liberating and grief laden burden joy to be a human on earth and what wonderful wonders to frankly forgive “there” and “someday” or “then” and “nostalgia” and see now, now, and now as the only, only, and only.
Muse Magic Music // Horizon by Aldous Harding
Portraits with Errin Julkunen Pedersen
Errin and I have created beautiful love story that involves a cast of colleges, children, poets, parents, bishops, prophets, and partners. It is a story set in early morning apartments with positive pregnancy tests, late afternoon hikes in rocky canyons, memorable and terrible concerts and their crowds, drinks and laughter, sobbing seriousness, pomogranates in post op, churches filled with hymns.
How can you measure the depth of a decade long sisterhood where honesty, fear, triumph, career, motherhood, partnership, divorce, dancing and indelible encouragement has cheered you both on? You receive the gift, you witness it mature.
Last month as part of my Portrait Woman:: Mother event I hosted Errin as my honorary mother at my space, Ultraviolet Studios. This session gave me an intimate and new vision of a woman I already know so well. I know her goodness. I know her fear. I know her aims but mostly, I know her work. I know the texture of a life she has decided. I have witnessed her move from a university mainstay to a tenured and widely appreciated professional, from a wanting mother to a seasoned one, from wise to wiser.
There are few people in this world who carry poetics and purpose into the soul like she does. She is deeply moral, hysterically witty, and is smarter than any mother fucker in any room, and by god- the most stylish.
Errin recently shared the following regarding her work, to both understand and become increasingly empowered, by her journey with bipolar disorder. It’s this kind of openness with encouragement that Errin does so perfectly.
“You will think you can do it all. You will be wrong. You will try so hard and fail miserably. You will lose your shit when you can’t control everything. Your greatest challenge will be recognizing that you don’t control anything. You will punch things until your hands bleed, trying to find some respite. You’ll feel like a shitty mom, a bad friend, a failing spouse, and worse. But. You’ll remember. That it passes. That every bad thing as much as every good thing brought you to where you are. That no matter where you are, it’s where you are supposed to be. I’m always trying to remember.”
Like attracts like, our matches in soul and system find and refine us. Whatever goodness I hold that pulled this brilliant woman and me together in this incarnation makes both of us lucky indeed. I love you Errin sister.
You can find Errin on Instagram at @incrediblejulk
Hand painted backdrops by Ultraviolet Backdrops
Muse Magic Music // "Hammond Song" The Roches
Muse Magic Music // Bad Girls- M.I.A.
Taken nestled between two very hot sand dunes by my Matthew match.
Call and Response
I have felt the calling from something deep and wild inside of me from childhood. If I look back at my first real photo session which was made in a classroom at Provo high with Milmaliisa Loeskow as my subject, I can see that I was always coming back to this. I don’t know about you, but everything I wanted and valued deeply in the discovering years of high school are still the very things that I love and want. I don’t think we really change all that much in life, rather we return to ourselves if we are lucky enough and brave enough to do it.
I believe that we each feel a life-long series of magnetic aches, a train at night shaking the walls, a buzz that signals us. The volume of my signal has increased exponentially since opening Ultraviolet. Through conversation, songs, posts, books, texts, sex. I’ve been connecting and returning to myself through these dots, these crumbs.
”Do what you know.” - An early morning whisper while laying in Andi’s cabin.
“You set your intention and go.”- Errin
”Niches bring riches” from Amanda at A.&.Co
“Go with your gut.” From “Backdrop Stock”’s instagram story.
“We cannot see you. Who are you?”- D’Arcy Bennincosa
And lastly, “women women women”- like a spell that rose from what I could see. I scrolled through my Instagram feed and asked myself what messages I was visually sharing with my followers. I visited my website, a collection of my own decade-long work and I saw it- it’s always women. Women sit at the center of everything I see, every story I tell. And creative women are the heart of my very best work.
Creative women are the clients I would shoot with pleasure and excitement if I were fantastically rich and had no need for money.
The dots began to connect, igniting me with the tears and laughter of finally finding something. This is demanding as much as it is exciting. I have to change everything from pricing sheets to marketing to, everything else. But I’ve been reunited with an old friend in myself. The friend that reminds me that I deserve to do the things that make me lose track of time, that spill my heart over with excitement.
Photography is work and I know how to work. I know how to risk, I know about time and writing and pricing. I know how to show up, communicate, make, deliver, invest in my gear, network, write and collect reviews. I know. I know and I can do it over and over.
Yesterday during my tarot reading with Zina Bennion she told a story of her father, Joe Bennion, a legendary potter who once-upon-a-time made a bowl that he could reproduce over and over and over. It sold, it was beautiful and valuable and he was becoming known for the shape and glaze of his palatable offering, but one day he realized that the latest batch readied from the kill/kiln had been sitting for days unseen. No spark, no excitement no drive to decend to the basement and see. So he stopped there to return to, or to find the things that ignited him- the work that got his fingers hot.
In the upheaval of the last few years of my divorce, extreme haircuts, hard and long runs, surgeries, resigning from my formerly beloved religion, selling my house, finding the love of my life, partnering with him, learning self-love, becoming a mother and again a bonus adult to two children, taking 3 van loads of old things to the thrift store after sitting with old life relics and my drawing attachments. A year of sifting through my old mission stuff in bins, letting go of friendships, throwing away journals, changing schools, building and opening a new studio- I’ve learned this: my magic is found in doing the unknown, unreserved thing that calls, that has always called. “Do what you know” is the best and most honest thing. A depth living comes alive in the space of responding to what calls us. Clarissa Pinkola Estés said,
“If we were to name only one thing that makes the Wild Woman what she is it would be her responsiveness. The word response comes from the Latin word, “to pledge, to promise” and that is her strong suit. Her perception and deft responses are a consistent promise and pledge to the creative forces.”
I have been patient in waiting to hear the magnet call clarify. I hear it now and I’m responding to it. Steve Jobs said, “You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”
I knew Ultraviolet was a piece of my story but I didn’t know exactly how it would spark me, heal me, break me down, and require literally every dime, every piece of energy, every tear and every bit of moisture from my hands. I’ve been through weird emotional hell with it. But I knew that it would be part of my story- I just didn’t know what part. And now a piece of that has been illuminated, the call is clear.
My work is to collaborate with strong women who have a distinct artistic voice. Women who are ready to be seen, who make a wild go of their lives, who are drawn to honest images, women who share their nuanced stories. My work is to make those images with women who have heard the call to share their soul’s work like I have heard mine.
Taken by my sister, Shawna on the highest peak of Antelope Island.